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There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run away from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, quit there is only one way to go. Down!
Excuses People Use Why Not To Work Their Horses
Just when I though I heard every excuse, someone has another.
I lost my Whip!
My horse is bad during a full moon!
I'm getting to old for everyday riding!
The wind is blowing to hard, my horse my spook!
It's to dry out, my horse's skin may rash!
My trainer isn't here to tell me what to do!
I can't get my boots on!
It's too hot out!
My horse doesn't like arenas!
I haven't had a lesson this week!
The sun is to bright, it may beach my horse's coat!
My horse isn't in a good mood!
I forgot to bring carrots today!
My horse needs new shoes!
It might rain!
My horse just got new shoes!
It's too cold!
There are too many people watching!
I haven't ridden all week!
No body else is riding today!
It's to close to feeding time.
Riding may wear me out, I have to go to the gym later!
HORSE SLANG DEFINITIONS
Bleacher butt...........When you sit to long on bleachers at a horse show
Manure sinus..........Inhaling to much arena/manure dust
Riders legs............... Bow-legged
Saddle butt................When you have been in the saddle to long
Puken.................A horse that dives in the bridle
Wet saddle blankets..................Lots of riding
Driving into the bridle...............Applying legs pressure while pulling back on the reins
Drive.......The same as driving into the bridle, yet lacking the time to say the whole sentence
Three gaited horse............A horse that; 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
Show trainers.........Trainers only capable of riding in circles.
Slip and sliders..........Reining horses.
HORSEPERSON'S GLOSSARY
Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability to an asset
Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands
Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly
Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you
Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure
Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on
Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own
Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners
Longeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy
Pinto: Green coat pattern found on a freshly-washed gray horse left unattended in the stall for 10 minutes
Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from knuckles
Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a horse show
HORSE SENSE
Adapted from PAVE Pipeline, an Education Journal from Tacoma, Washington
Common advice from knowledgeable horse trainers includes the adage, "If the horse you're riding dies, get off!" Seems simple enough, but, in the education business we aren't always that perceptive. Instead, we often choose from an array of other alternatives: * Buy a stonger whip. * Try a new bit or bridle. * Switch riders. * Move to a new location. * Ride the horse longer periods of time. * Say things like, "This is the way we've always ridden this horse." * Appoint a committee to study the horse. * Arrange to visit other stables where they ride dead horses more efficiently. * Create a new test for measuring our riding ability. * Compare how we're riding now with how we rode ten or twenty years ago. * Complain about the state of horses these days. * Come up with new styles of riding. * Tighten the cinch. * Blame the horse's parents (the problem is often in the breeding). THE BEST SOLUTION? CHANGE HORSE!!!
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail.
Some ranchers raise pigs and some will even admit it. Either way, they're raisin' pigs.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to go to hell and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you're gonna go,...go like hell.
If your mind's not made up, don't use your spurs.
Never kick a fresh cowpie on a hot day.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shutup.
"The future has been losing the wisdom of the past ever since the freeway bypassed the corral."
"Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town." ...........An old Western proverb
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
"A bronc rider should be light in the head and heavy in the seat."
"Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin's get ahead of his earnin's."
"Any cowboy can carry a tune. The trouble comes when he tries to unload it."
"When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin'."
"When a cowboy's too old to set a bad example, he hands out good advice."
"Worry is like a rockin' horse. It's something to do that don't get you nowhere."
"Poor is having to sell the horse to buy the saddle."A Real Cowboy?
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything makes me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was", he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"Just Milking?
Two cowboys, a tractor salesman and a farmer, were in a bar complaining about their lives.
"I haven't sold one tractor all month," the tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters." "Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its leg to one of the stall rails." "I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg to the stall rails." "Then my wife comes walking in, and I'll tell ya - if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."Just Fine
Cowboy Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Cowboy Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Cowboy Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident that you were fine?"
Cowboy Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Cowboy Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, Cowboy Joe came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"