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Cowboy Humor - Page 2
A cowboy took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log. After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the
stars purty tonite?" Jon says "Sure is Judi". Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite". Jon says "Sure is Judi".
After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear". So Jon leans over and whispers "'Sheeeit'.Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think,
or blink, or turn on that goddamn light...."
Cowboy Prayer
May your horse never stumble,
Your spurs never rust,
May your guts never grumble,
Your cinch never bust!
May your boots never pinch,
Your crops never fail,
While you eat lots of beans,
And stay out of JAIL!
How a cowgirl know's her wranglers fit just right!
She has to lie down to zip them up
It is impossible to slip a buisness card in her back pocket
She plans ahead to sit down
She dreads going to the ladies room
Her legs go to sleep when she sits too long
More bits of Wisdom...
"The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to suggest he is too old for it."
"Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain't talking."
"Sure you can trust the government. Ask any Indian."
"The cowboy gets up early in the morning, decides what he wants to do, then straddles his pony and gets to work. He does the best he can and spends as little money as possible. The politician gets up late in the morning, straddles the fence, spends all the money he can, gets all the votes lined up, and then decides what to do."
"Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly."
" One good sharp knife is worth two of almost anything else, except women and horses, of course.""
"Never trust a man who agrees with you. He's probably wrong."
"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, best take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."
"Always feed your horses and take time for your friends."
"A man on foot is no man at all."
"God created men but Colt made them equal."
"A good horse is never a bad color."
"A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of aces."
"If you can't squat with your spurs on, you ain't a real cowboy."
"Learn to speak kind words--nobody resents them."
"I am what I want to be."
"The wild horse can see, hear, and smell a man farther than any other animal, except a woman."
"It Ain't Over Till The Fat Cow Moos "
"Careful is a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence."
"They shore ain't pretty and they don't smell good but there is somethin 'bout a cow that makes the man that owns one feel like he's got money in his purse."
"Always ride the horse in the direction it's going."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Don't wear woolly chaps in sheep country during the breeding season."
"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook."
"It ain't so much a matter of not knowing, as it is a matter of knowing so much that ain't so."
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much."--John Wayne
"One thing I'll say fer the West is that in this country there is more cows and less butter, more rivers and less water, and you can look farther and see less than in any other place in the world."--Anonymous rancher
"A man is not born a cowboy; He becomes one."
"Its a mistake to drive black cattle in the dark."
"Some people grin and bear it. Other people smile and change it."
"An old timer is a man who's had a lot of interesting experiences -- some of them true."
"Every American male has a cowboy problem--the only difference between any two males is in the details of how they work it out."--Dave Rindos
"Every cowboy thinks he knows more than every other cowboy. But the only thing they all know for sure is when's payday and where's grub."--LLRoyster
"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around we use our fingers."--Will Rogers
"I never thought I'd marry anybody but a cowboy. Maybe that's why I'm not married."-- Rosie
"Every now and then a loaded pistol does wonders to restore a man's memory of good manners toward women."--Louise Ballcott "I am not a gambler, but most real cowmen or punchers I knew could play good enough to lose."--Oscar Rush
"Here's all you need to know about cows: They're not smart, they're bigger than you are, and some of them have absolutely no respect for human beings."--Terry Hall
"Lookin' good on a pitchin' horse is for the rodeo."
"Dodge is a rough frontier town, populated largely by rough people, but they are not at all vicious."--The Kansas Cowboy
"The biggest cause of divorce in the world is marriage."--Travis Tritt
"I had a soul once, but I lost it in a card game."
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except for
Congress."--Mark Twain
"Proper technique helps protect you against sharp weapons and dull judges."-- F. Collins
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."- -Mae West
"Now and then an innocent man gets sent to the legislature."--Kin Hubbard
"The dog is the protector and friend of every person in the earth."--Crow Proverb
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please."--Mark Twain
"You raise kids, dogs, and horses all the same."--Ray Farmer
"I've often said there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse."--Ronald Reagan
"The only thing inhumane about a flank strap is you have to kill the sheep to line the strap."--Casey Tibbs
"I entered broncs and bulls only on Sunday because I figured, If I get killed, I want to get killed late in the rodeo so
that I don't miss much."--Robin Hayes
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© 2001 by Native Winds Ranch
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Last Update
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Wednesday, February 21, 2001
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